Since last Saturday Emily has been in California at her best friend’s wedding. I stayed back here in Taiwan partly due to the high cost of airfare and party due to the fact that next week is midterms.
I was interested to see what it would be like to be away from Emily for a whole week. Since last August we’ve been living together in a one-room apartment in a foreign country where everyone is not fluent in our first language. The closeness and camaraderie has grown exponentially. However its difficult to see sometimes. What would it be like to be “on my own” again? Would I like it? Would I like it too much? How would I spend my time? Would I miss Emily? Would I be happy when she got back? Would her return be bittersweet?
These questions were answered. At the beginning of the week I was definitely ok with her being away. She was with her best friend in the whole world and would get to see her mom too. I was really happy for her and knew that her happiness would undoubtedly make it possible for me to be happy. I knew I wouldn’t be missing her horribly. She even had to ask me to go with her to the airport to see her off because me being the lazy bum that I am would have just as soon seen her off in the taxi and then gone back to bed rather than take the 3 hours that going with her to see her walk through security at the airport would take.
It is important to note that this state of mind is not still residing in me. I am pining for my love. Yesterday, Saturday marked a full week of her absence and even though we’ve spoken over skype a few times throughout the week it didn’t compare. I felt deep, powerful pangs of emptiness. I missed having her presence in the apartment with me. I missed her face and her hair. I missed the sense that her presence brought to my world. I missed knowing that when I came home after school in the evening she would be there to be so happy that I was home after just a days separation. I missed talking with her and learning from her. I missed looking at my dirty dishes and knowing nobody was going to ask me to wash them or make me feel guilty by washing them herself.
This time apart has been so good. Learning how to be married is such a process and I feel like this week has added a lot to my ability in actually seeing the process that has been accomplished in addition to adding more to that progress. I definitely do not enjoy living without Emily for any length of time. She is the one God wanted me to marry and last August was when He wanted me to marry her.
My mom told me a story when I was a teenager. She said that her great aunt, a single woman who never married was once asked as an elderly woman why she never married. “I never found someone I couldn’t live without” was her reply. Because marriage is giving everything to the other person I didn’t want to have even a possibility that I would screw up and marry the wrong person. Thats why this became my motto as well. The problem is sometimes I forget what I need when I have it. This applies to God, a job, my wife, health, and a bunch of other things. Not having Emily this week has been horribly wonderful because I’ve remembered that ‘I can’t live without her.’
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